My Story: some parts

If you’ve clicked around my website you will have learned a bit about who I am, but read on to learn a bit more. I endeavour to be as succinct as possible (not my strong suit).

I was born in Calgary, Alberta and my parents were from Nova Scotia so we returned there to live every five years or so and ended up in Yukon, Canada. My parents were definitely non-traditional thinkers and dreamers. They were always trying new things that might make our lives better. I have inherited this…except I think I am more traditional than they were like when they had a birch Christmas tree in my teenage years - I was mortified. I eventually got over this and also love bringing people together, I don’t really care what species of greenery is in the room :-) as long as we have good food!

I did, however, have at least one significant childhood trauma. My mom had Type 1 diabetes since she was 7. It meant that I saw a lot of needles, insulin, convulsions, “hangryness”, and several near deaths of my mom at ages 3, 17, and many ages after that. Banting and Best discovered the properties of insulin and just as my mom was 7 they had successful human trials. So, my mom was one of the first people with diabetes to live a “long” life. As a person with diabetes ages, there are so many unpleasant side effects like neuropathy that prevent them from sensing their blood glucose levels, something healthy folks never need to think about. So, later in life her episodes of low blood sugar were often life threatening and lead to many last minute resuscitation efforts, often performed by her, and sometimes by me.

What I am trying to share is that during one of these episodes, at 3 years old, I saw my mom convulsing on the floor, her fists clenched by her chin and her convulsions meant that her thumb nail was repeatedly wounding her chin and she was bleeding; I remember feeling distraught, wondering what was going on with my mom and why it seemed like no one was helping her stop hurting herself. During this incident, I was told by an innocent older relative that my mom would die one day soon. Unbeknownst to me (and this older relative) this knowledge set deep within me an ever present fear of death, her death, my death, anyone’s death.

There are psychological reasons why a 3 year old should not know about death of a parent. At 3, a child has not yet differentiated herself from her parents. To put it simply, their death is thought of as the child’s death. But at 51, I am now quite aware that this enabled my ego to keep seeking for this potential threat of death, to identify myself as a hero, that I would be the one to save my mother, or anyone, because my life depended on it. This experience also gave me, without conscious awareness, excruciating anxiety every single night before bed, any time I was alone with my thoughts, any time someone I loved was going anywhere out of my sight.

In my 20’s, after giving birth, postpartum depression brought me to a social worker who shared with me the impact on young children of living with ill parents, and suggested I get checked by a psychiatrist for clinical depression. I heard ‘psychiatrist’ and was immediately scared. I knew about chemistry and our body’s natural homeostasis, didn’t like the thought of pills and assumed this would be the ‘solution’ offered. My mom’s mantra was “better living through chemistry” it’s how she survived, I appreciate that it works for many people. I, however, had a very strong pull toward natural methods, even though I did not know what those methods could be; the result was that I did not go to a psychiatrist. I immediately left my living situation and decided to take matters into my own hands, still truly ignorant of what was really going on with my fears. So, I started reading self help books and receiving counselling whenever I could. In my 30’s, I realized that I might have an abnormal fear of death, shared my experience with my mom just before she died, and had some form of closure.

I thought it was done, that I could now be healed because my brain would know that I, in fact, did not die, even though my mom had passed. I told myself this for another 15+ years. Meanwhile, I learned very well how to keep myself busy and to work super hard. I accumulated a lot of life and leadership knowledge and information. In my free time I researched death and spirituality, hoping that I could once and for all deal with this ever present fear of death. Through all this study and introspection, the “answer” never came.

Eventually, after I lost my job, I had a serious identify break, I knew that I had to get real with myself, no more just keep going, I really needed to take a hard look at myself, what was working for me and what wasn’t. And just keeping busy was not working for me. My issue was how to be content and NOT busy. I had always been a light sleeper but hadn’t been sleeping properly for likely more than 4 years before I started my Perfect Health course - it was getting so bad that I was waking every hour. I was truly at my wits end and meditation is what has finally helped me.

My path to learn about myself started at a very young age but what often motivated me was my fear. I felt fear during almost everything I decided to do - being motivated by joy? What was that? I had moments of joy but I did not know how to be motivated by joy. I was always motivated by trying to get over a fear. So, I have a very hard time with folks who suggest “feel the fear and do it anyway”. I disagree. I think that fear is a sign that we have to pay attention to, as soon as we are conscious of it. Check and see if there is an actual threat, a real and present danger. If not, then self care and love is what you need. It does not mean that you have to stop your job or being who you are. It will likely mean that you will get more out of your work, perform it differently and just as or more effectively. As you begin to nurture yourself, you will be guided to the next step, use that feeling of calm and peace as an indicator that you are going in the right direction. Working through your past traumas and experiences can happen so much more easily and effectively when we are practicing true self care. Listening to our bodies and paying attention to our signals instead of trying to pretend that everything is ok. If it doesn’t feel ok, it isn’t. Sit. Listen. Choose peace and calm.

I write about ego in an earlier post. I have tried all sorts of programs to help heal trauma and there are many positive experiences and lessons to be gained. I have found that it is truly our ego that keeps us attached to these traumatic experiences: identifying them as part of who we are. Yes, it is something horrible that I experienced as a child, but after practicing meditation and mindful self care, I can honestly say that it no longer defines me. It’s a feeling that you get, it’s an awareness, and it comes with self care practice. I can honestly say that after more than 15 months of daily meditation I can write my story without tears, without feeling sadness, without feeling hurt. Telling it face to face might be different, I still find that I choke up when I talk to my partner. But, that too has evolved so beautifully - the anger is leaving, the sadness departing, my hurt is mending. I am truly grateful to have had every single moment with my mom, my dad, my brother, my kids, my partner. I am grateful to understand where fear comes from and to finally have a self care tool that brings me back to my true conscious self - it gives me freedom from being attached to this story that I have just told you.

I only started meditation because it was my last resort. I did it because I just needed to sleep. So, I do not expect YOU to do it just because I say it’s great. Many people told me to try meditation. I didn’t. I just shook my head and thought, there’s no way, I’m too busy and for me (my ego), being alone with my thoughts would mean the death of me (my ego). I couldn’t risk ‘letting go of control' in case the fear came in again. So, I get it. I understand that you might not want anything to change in your life. How could you possibly handle another change? With meditation practice the change is natural and easy, it’s miraculous. This is why I have told my story. Maybe someone can relate and maybe one person tries meditation to start to free yourself from your own needless suffering. I don’t NEED you to do it, but sure, I would LOVE for you to try. I LOVE teaching people new things and helping people see that YOU can do it, all on your own! (Of course, I am not a psychiatrist, psychologist etc. so please do not quit medication that you are taking, I am not advocating that you do this, just maybe try meditation as well). Feel free to book a session with me. xoxoChristinexoxo