Why are people mean?
Why are people mean?
People are mean to you because of what is going on inside of them. They are reacting to you out of their needs. There is something out of balance within their body mind that causes them to lash out at you. WHY it is out of balance is their own work to figure out. When a person is not getting affection, attention, appreciation or acceptance (everyone is unique in the delivery of having their needs met - think love languages) it makes them vulnerable to being mean to you. Some people take responsibility for their own self care and self development and some people are just not there yet. So, when they are mean to you, they are in essence lashing our at you for what is missing (a need not being met) in them.
Think about a time when someone pissed you off. Was it really them or was it some unspoken standard or criteria or limit that you have that triggered a boundary breach alarm.
Mean to you once is a lesson for you, mean to you more than once is still a lesson for you but a deeper lesson. When someone is mean to you once, you can think about your role in the situation, figure out if you did something deliberately to hurt this person and they are simply reacting to this. If you feel you are simply being you and have no idea why this person was mean to you, then have a conversation. Ask them why they were mean. Maybe they are having a shitty day, maybe they haven’t worked on this issue yet, maybe they are still unaware of themselves.
When someone is repetitively mean to you, even after you have had a conversation about it, you need to decide whether this is a type of treatment you want to endure. If you know that this is not healthy treatment for you, then you need to develop a personal boundary with this person.
Developing boundaries with people is a way of protecting yourself, a form of self care. You can be peaceful and loving when you develop a boundary. Focus on what you need and why and ask for their respect. You don’t even need to disclose “why” you need something, it is up to you whether to share private information or not. For me, I love sharing the why because it’s what I like to hear from others, it helps me better understand and relate to someone, helps me retain the information, but it really is private information, and you may not actually know your “why” yet.
If someone continues to step over a boundary that you have clearly defined, depending on your relationship with this person: husband, wife, coworker, stranger, best friend, you need to contemplate your options. The more interaction you have with this person, the more important it is that you address the situation. In work environments usually employees have access to workplace safety and wellness offices, or a trusted superior, research your own work area and find out the processes in place for you to effectively protect yourself. If it is on social media, turn the comments off, block the person, do not allow this to continue to happen to you from strangers, make a personal statement if you feel like doing so, your friends will support you. If it is a close, intimate relationship where this is happening. You need to reach out to a counsellor or professional psychologist that you like to help you better define boundaries and make choices that are healthier for you. Crossing someone’s clearly stated boundary is not intimacy it is disrespect and when repeated it is considered abuse.
You don’t need to be afraid that by being yourself you are going to cross adult people’s boundaries, because it is up to adults to tell you not to cross their boundary. That said, if you notice a reaction from someone in response to your behaviour, inquire about your behaviour. Ask for feedback. Ask whether you have crossed a line. Be open to hearing that you have, and open to receiving suggestions or a description of their boundary. These are normal conversations to have as we all evolve and learn our limits. Our limits can change as we change and grow. It is ok to change and grow. Understand that it is human nature to do this and try not to be so hard on others and especially important, try not to be so hard on yourself - we are all learning as we go. With all my love xoxoChristinexoxox
